misty mama

Meet Henry and June

the all orange one is Henry....and the white with orange is, of course, June.

First Gate--turned 40

I turned 40 last July 6.   I was away from home.  But  from the photos of late,  who can complain, right?   I was in a beautiful place with beautiful people.  It wasn't exactly my intention to be away, but it was the hottest time for a country in the northern hemisphere;   so, it was a no-brainer, actually. 

When I turned 30--I was going to as many Steiner Lectures as I could and I heard much talk about Steiner's descriptions of a human being's evolution through a lifetime--BIOGRAPHY, they say.  It was scary to hear  at first, since what I was hearing was already describing hints of my chaotic life at the time.  I took what I could, and the rest, I knew would be there if needed.   I told myself then,  "I can't wait till am 40!".   I was pretty vocal about it too. People looked at me funny, and I knew why, it wasn't exactly a normal statement coming from a thirty year old.

Now that I'm forty, i'm happy to say, I'M GLAD TO BE FORTY, finally.  I haven't  revisited Steiner's Lectures on Biography at this time but I read an old Chinese belief recently;   A woman goes through four gates that represent powerful transitions in her life;  I just entered the first one.  It is believed that my task in this time is  to "live as authentically as possible, find my truth and be around people who support", Me. 

Looking forward. 

Me

As long as I live  

I shall always be

My Self--and no other,

Just me.

 

Like a tree,

Willow, elder,

Aspen, thorn,

Or cypress forlorn.

 

Like a flower,

For its hour--

Primrose, or pink,

Or a violet--

Sunned by the sun,

And with dewdrops wet.

 

Always just me.

                         ~Walter de la Mare 

Katrina Kenison -- The Gift of an Ordinary Day - Ordinary Day Journal

Checking my e-mail before bed the other night, I found a note from an online friend.  She is a reader I’ve never met, a fellow mom and blogger with whom I’ve corresponded a bit over the last year.  I read her posts, she reads mine, and in the process we’ve come to know one another as well as two simpatico strangers can. 

via www.katrinakenison.com

Although, she is way ahead of me... I love reading her. I feel her a companion I have in this bittersweet journey of motherhood. She is painfully honest and real--which more than anything, takes a huge amount of COURAGE. Of course, her message in this post is a lesson I have yet to learn.

Mothering me

I took this photo last summer during our vacation in New England. This is in Camden, Maine. I love lighthouses. There is a desolateness to their locations where they come into contact with rough weathers on a daily basis. They have to be where they are since they act like beacons of light  in the night.  Of course, by the ocean with mountains all around is, the next best thing to Heaven.

I recently joined a group called Be a Beacon (button in sidebar) and I wanted to share how the picture/image of a "beacon",  resonated for me as a MOM and WIFE. As  I debated whether I would join this group or not, the picture just grew inside me like a seed, full of its potential to become a beautiful plant.  Being a beacon is not easy; it requires that you stand up against mighty forces everyday; and the light must shine in good weather or bad. It was clear to me where I didn't have to try! So sure enough, i found much help in the discussions about the importance of giving attention to inner work, uniquely from the point of view of a Mom.  Whether it be acquiring knowledge about oneself, help in meditations, learning about other religions, praying, relationships, or just sharing similar experiences,  It has become a valuable resource and source of support. Thanks Melisa! 

Over the years, I've realized how broken up I was inside and only when I became a mother did it surface in all it's glory. I saw how I reacted towards my children and it was scary sometimes.  I became a stranger to my own self.  Then, I came to understand slowly those specific set of circumstances my mother went through and how it formed me and my siblings  She's often told me that she felt quite alone many times--  I felt alone too for awhile but I guess we're really not? Cultivating an inner life promises to be a key to finding this constant connection to oneself and a-- Divine source, i hope. Once again, there is much to learn and work to be done.

I recently changed the tag line to my title--mothering to heal and be Whole.  This is what my journey has turned out to be--to learn to mother myself first in order to be a beacon for my family.

Little Red Hen

"Haay.... ang dami na nangyari!"  As the saying goes in Tagalog.  It was hard to write about  because most of my energy was spent trying to absorb what was coming my way alternating with daily chores needing to get done.  I was like "Little Red Hen" these past two weeks!  and it became very clear that doing it All is not what it's cut out to be. Actually, I've known it for quite awhile, i mean, i do have four (4) kids, right?   And I do live in the Philippines where the way of life is to have help around you. It's just that it's not so easy for me to receive the help even when i'm clearly in need.

I wished enough times that I grew up in an intact household, with an intact staff, that I can INHERIT.  At least then you know they're not going anywhere. So, I do my best to do the chores myself, or at least supervise , and be organized in the running of it.   HA! the operative words there are "I", "ORGANIZED",  and "MY HOUSEHOLD".

I recently added a button to the sidebar called Steady Mom. It is a blog of a mother named Jamie who  has three (3) kids.  One is her biological child while the other two,  she adopted from different parts of the world.  In a way, I find a kinship with her because I too wanted to adopt some time ago.  I thought, "I don't really need to have my own kids, there are so many children around the world who need homes". It seems almost vain to even want to have your own.  Well, I later found (from Steiner i think) that these children come because they have chosen you as their parent and sometime somewhere, we also said, "yes! i am honored to be your mother".  It's not exactly like picking out a child you fancy;  It is also that a child chooses YOU;  even after he/she is born.

Jamie has written a book called Steady Days. I like this book because she essentially talks about creating a  Rhythm in her home. STEADY implies a pulse to it and it keeps on, no matter what.  After having been through the younger years with my two older boys, my girl and currently by 1.5 mos toddler, I know Rhythm is what gets me through a day.  Sometimes, i have bad days, and sometimes pretty good ones, but the rhythm/steady routine is my anchor.

Steiner said, and is often quoted,  that "Rhythm is Power".  It is a basic facet that every living thing on earth has an underlying rhythm. 

In her case, she felt that she had to be more intentional and professional about motherhood. She felt that the structure of a routine allowed her to be more productive at the end of the day.  And her motivation to organize stemmed from  her need to feel in Control. I empathized yet again.... since Control can be my middle name sometimes, I was told.  I'm working on it.  It's not really easy to see it before i'm past the words i've already said.

I have a sign by the bedroom door that serves as my reminder,  "Keep Calm and Carry On". 

I just want to add that for all you waldorf parents, I hope you don't get too alarmed at Jamie's use of Educational videos for her kids on some occasions.  I do feel that she thinks and selects her choices about how and when to use videos with her kids.  The fact that she has thought long and hard about it, is good enough for me.

Let's Talk

  

There is this Post-it like notepad my eldest son found in one of the bookstores we frequent,  in capital letters on top "WE NEED TO TALK." And underneath you've got check boxes before these choices:  Sooner than Later; In Private, In Pig Latin, About You, Loudly and Long, Over Dinner.  Then it says, Where, and When.  At the bottom, Dont Worry,  and Worry.  How's that for GOING STRAIGHT TO THE POINT?  Actually, I should use it for notes to send to his father.  Hehe.  I thought it pretty funny when my son showed me, and for some reason, HE wanted to buy it.  Maybe it was a hint for me.

But truly,  there is something to be said about going straight to the point and confronting an issue.  First and foremost,  you are being REAL and true to your feelings. It's healthy;  rightly or wrongly, those feelings are there and you might as well find out if they are warranted or not.  The only way to do that is to talk about it.  It's good to say when you've been hurt or when you feel slighted.  Some people seriously don't realize that they have been callous to what's around them.

I posted the photo above because I believe this the most conducive atmosphere to speak from the heart.  I long to speak to certain people in my life past and present, in a place like this.  It's not easy to find the best time and place to talk....

"Joy's Soul lies in the doing"--William Shakespeare

I was caught off guard when I read this today as I flipped through the pages of a much loved (and used) cookbook in my kitchen this morning.  It somehow spoke to me personally, like an angel's whisper--telling me that there in my deeds lies true happiness. 

I have often wondered why I was named Joy. We don't have much of a choice on what we're called when we come into this world.  I remember thinking up different names for myself as a little girl, wishing that my mom called me this or that instead. When I grew older, I realized that one's name can tell you a lot about the person you are or are striving to become.  Today, I am a mother of four lovely spirits bursting with energy and honestly, there are days where you wished you could stay in bed.  There are also days when almost everything seems to be wrong. Another is setting goals in my domestic duties;  so hard sometimes! While a job out of the house, or a project that involves other people seem easier to manage.... or is it just a frame of mind?

Anyway, when I read the quote-- it applied to all things one does.  It doesn't matter. The actual doing is so different from anything else and most of the time, your mind can play tricks that a deed is harder than it is. So really, no point in thinking so much about it, just DO IT.  If it turns out to be yuck, then one can always do differently or do something else!!

Life story cont....

It's not so easy to write about your life.... like i said before.... i sort of spiral out right before my own inward eyes.... i get bitter, feel pathetic then depressed..... a real melancholic i guess... whatever... labels... who cares what you call it.... it is what it is......  after i turned 10.... my life was not always about my home, my parents, my half siblings.... it became about school and my friends in school....more my friends... and boys.  When i look back.... I was too early,  feeling precocious for my own good. 

I was out of control actually...in an inward sense, i believe. I don't think i ever stopped long enough to feel myself or to feel period... just wanted to be happy and distract myself....  not knowing i was doing so of course. Then, the country woke after the violent death and assassination of Aquino in 1983.  In 1985,  my life changed... like a lot of people, i guess.  and I moved to the US, not realizing i would spend my adolescent years and early adult life there.

These were exciting times on one hand, but also very sad in another. I was displaced, obviously. But beside the fact that i was not in my own country; inwardly, my emotional life became free from my mother's...at least from the day in day out emotional shifts she created in the home in the early years... She was angry a lot and i became convinced that she had no warmth in her heart for me... at all.  It was sort of sad to realize but i made up so many excuses for both my parents, just to keep my world whole.  Does that sound like denial or what?  I don't think i really had the tools to even objectify what was going on.  At this point, i was there to study, and there was so much to experience and see. 

I am grateful that i was able to go to a first-rate boarding school while there.  My father's objective i think was to meet and know people from "good, decent families".  My father had the money, good thing. Little did he know, that most of us, looked at ourselves as unwanted children from dysfunctional families.  Ok guys, friends from Foxcroft, speak up if you didn't feel this way.  But we certainly found a family there amongst ourselves and our teachers that made up for whatever was going on at home; that is, if there was a one. (it is what it is). The school was sooooo beautiful; 450 to 500 acres of trail lands. I try to find  a photo.  But it was here that i began to find solace in nature.  It felt so good to be around nature, it was a healing balm for the soul.  Once again,  I didn't know it at the time but it gave me clear parameters in some time to slow down the inner chatter of do's and don'ts. It allowed room for my Self to come alive, though a measly one. I guess that's sort of what it does for a lot of people. How do you feel when you're around nature? So hard in Manila though, there's barely any green!!!! and people don't like to walk.  It's also too hot and yucky i guess. Thank god for aircondioning.  (Inverters are the way to go)

Oh.....I have to say that today, I spent the better part of my afternoon in a friend's farmhouse! They have a farmhouse, in this day and age....in this country! It is a wonderful spot, ensconced in trees and the sound of farm animals not so far away.  It was a warm day, but there are very few places I can be that allows for moments of SLOW.  I felt refreshed by my friend's company,  the pace of our conversation matched the place exactly....it was a place where one could just BE, ; surrounded by "talahib"....... literally.

Flowers

  
 These were soooo beautiful..... I had to stop and take photos.  This was a mall in Stanford, CA.  People must've thought it so commonplace but i loved them.

  
Doesn't it look like it can be eaten!??!!!

  
lovely yellow...

 

 
I would've hang out it here all day... Hope you had a good weekend.